Friday, January 7, 2011

Fear & Love

After completing our first week of P90X and preparing to go make one the biggest purchases of my life (a wedding dress) I have been contemplating what motivates us as individuals to take action.  I have come to the conclusion that the two major motivators in life are some form of fear or love. As a communication instructor I teach my students that we are constantly being bombarded by persuasive messages. I also teach them that even the most effective argument can fail if an audience member does feel an internal flex to make a change in their beliefs or behavior. In the past January has been a month full of guilt for all the unhealthy choices I had made in the months prior. It's about this time that a multitude of "motivating" media voices begin telling me where to put my money in order to finally get the weight off and become a healthier version of myself. What will I allow to motivate me in 2011?
Fear. We all fear something, most of us fear many things. Aside from the innate parental fear of losing my child, the fear I have struggled with the most throughout my life is worthiness. What makes me worthy? Worthy of God's grace, His mercy, love, health, wealth or happiness? It is difficult to overcome even the smallest of things when I do not feel worthy. I took a step toward overcoming this fear in 2010 when I took hold of a lesson given to me by my youngest brother. He told me that you cannot simply say, "I do not have the spirit of fear, but the power of love and a sound mind.", but rather you must declare it with the authority given to us as heirs to the throne of Christ. This Truth has helped me deal with the day to day fears but the subtle fear that keeps under the radar is hard to pin myself, so I look to God for help. My eyes have been opened to the powerful role fear plays in our every day existence. I no longer wanted to base my decisions on my fear of worthiness. I am worthy of love, of happiness, to feel whole. I must take hold of the promise that I was wonderfully and beautifully made for a specific purpose and I DO DESERVE greatness in my life!

Love. I choose to take hold of the love around me and not only listen but believe when love whispers in my ear, "you are worthy." Love comes in so many motivating forms. When I really think about the big changes I have made throughout my life, most were motivated by love. Love for others, love for self, or even love of an activity. Its funny to think of now, but when Chloe was 2 or 3 years old she used to "loooove" everything and everyone. I had such a hard time with her overuse of the word love. I felt like if she continued she would never truly understand the meaning of the word. Then she would be like all these young adults that surrounded me at UNK who had deep rooted misconceptions on what love is and when you truly love someone. So I started teaching her the difference between like and love. It was a fun to listen to her gain an understanding of not just a word but of the meaning behind the word. Even now she will correct herself if she feels like she misused the word love. Given my fear of worthiness, it is of no surprise that I have always found it easier to love others instead of myself and to put others needs before my own. This past year has awoken the truth that I can do both. I can love others and still love myself. I can meet my own needs and still come through for those closest to me. Perhaps the greatest nugget of truth is that those who I love the most WANT me to love myself and meet my goals in life. 

Fear or Love, whatever the motivator I hope it continues nudging me in the right direction. Closer to God, stronger in love and more confident in who I am as an individual. The year 2011 is a monumental year for me as a woman. I am beginning to see myself as God intended for me to be rather than the lie that Satan has been selling me for years.

I know that everyone who reads this may not share my faith, but it is my hope that you can find your own truth nugget from my experience strength and hope.

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